‘This is the blessed life- not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time.’- F.B. Meyer
I have begged You for answers for over two years now. Each morning, I would kneel at Your throne room, and cry out for a diagnosis. Slowly, in time and with much tears, you changed my desires. I remember the phone call with the results of our last genetics testing in which the truth was solidified to me that maybe answers were not in our cards. I wept quietly, for no more than a minute or two, and then it was settled. You moved me on. This was not my own doing; not some grandeur kind of faith. It was You. I stopped thinking about a diagnosis, and instead, starting simply living life without a figurative pause button on. We are all but a breath, yet when you have two daughters with needs and no knowledge on the future, you begin to realize how foolish this living with a pause button truly is. So, we dove in fully to the life that You had written for us from before the beginning of time. We went on walks, we watched Disney movies, we giggled and we swam and we celebrated You and Your world- and in the moments of pain and sickness and hard- we praised You for the stark reminder that this world is not our home and that while foreigners here, we will not be homesick forever.
This season has been one in which abnormal has become our normal. I don’t think our life will ever look calm and steady, but it has certainly been consistent. Yet, in each of our lives, there is always something around the corner; our human perspective having no idea of how soon that corner will appear.
When I was a child, after reading a book in which a kid got to meet Santa Clause and ride on his sleigh, I determined that I was going to do the same. Combining my tenacity aka sheer stubborn-nature along with my extreme quirky personality, I went all out. I drew pictures for all the reindeer and Mr. and Mrs. Clause (in the South, you always call someone Mr. if you want to impress). I even made some things for the elves. As I was laying in bed that Christmas Eve, I heard someone coming up the stairs, and then it hit me:
He was coming for me.
He was actually buying the whole thing.
I began to panic, and put my big fuzzy blanket over my head as if I could hide. A million thoughts were racing through my head but one was extremely clear:
I had changed my mind.
There was no way I wanted to spend Christmas with Santa Clause and his crew.
My mom, walking in the room, tried to take the blanket off of my head, like any appropriate parent would do. I held on tightly and just shouted, ‘No, no, no! Nevermind! I don’t want to go! Just forget about the whole thing!’
The very moment I thought I wanted was hypothetically staring me in the face, and I was positive I was in over my head.
‘For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.’- 1 Corinthians 1:25
When I got the call that they had re-run our girls’ genetic testing and that potential answers were found, I almost didn’t believe it. After many conversations and lots of God ordained connections, we have now determined that answers, in fact, are right around the corner.
Within the next few weeks, we will receive a report with information on a handful of other families who a couple of physicians have been following that have the exact mutation of our girls.
Yes, there are others.
I wasn’t sure if we would ever get a diagnosis, and if we did, I never expected to have any sort of real answers.
While we do not know the extent of the knowledge available or details on the others, one thing I do know:
I feel like that little girl who thought she wanted to ride on Santa’s sleigh but now has a blanket over her head, shouting nevermind.
I have been so humbled this week as I have realized at a deeper level than ever before how thoroughly He knows us, so much more than we know ourselves. These things we think we so desperately want, the things we feel He is withholding from us, are truly not for lack of love but because of love.
This information He is choosing to give us comes from a place of pure love, too.
I hear Him whispering to my heart these sweet words:
My child, you could not have handled it then, and besides, I had so much to teach you and those around you in the process. My glory came from the unknown for a season. It was simply not time. And now- from my perfectly positioned, sovereign throne: I see that it is time to lay some things out. Do not be concerned about what that will look like. Do not ask yourself if you will be able to handle it. It is not your burden to bear; it is mine. I have got this. You can do this with My strength and my strength alone.
On the day that we get that call, whatever day He determines, it will not be a doctor, or a report, or a mutation that will take this fuzzy blanket of unknown off my face- it will be Him. He will gently pull the covers off, giving us whatever information He deems best and withholding whatever He does not.
And this time?
I will praise Him for it all.
Whether we get snippets of the future or a large chunk, I won’t put my hope in any answers, however big or small; I will simply place all the more hope in the One who holds the future and has known all along.
And this, my friends, is the point in each of our lives.
I wonder. I wonder if there are those of you reading who think you want to know what’s down the road, feeling as if there is only a flashlight in front of your feet. I wonder if there are some reading who are desperately attempting to micro-manage the future, afraid of what it holds. I wonder if many of you feel His lack of answers is a lack of listening altogether.
Beloved: let it go.
Stop pushing pause. Resist the temptation to hit rewind or fast forward, and instead, simply rest in the play button He has perfectly fashioned for your life.
It is then, and only then, that you will realize you never wanted to go to the North Pole after all and that laying in your own bed will always be safer then jumping on a sleigh you were never intended to get on in the first place.
And, as always:
To God be the glory.
‘God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.’- Psalm 46:5